Happy Birthday, Gwen E. Bear

Happy Birthday, Gwen!! Today you are three and I cannot believe it! Where did this year go?

This week has been kind of a birthday week for Gwen. Last Friday she had her first haircut ever--she doesn't have a lot of hair, but it has finally reached the point where the knots where too much so she had a couple of inches cut off the bottom.

On Sunday, we took apart the crib (for the first time in 6 years--sniff sniff!!!) and put it in the basement and moved Gwen into a big girl bed. More specifically, MY old big girl bed. My dad bought this bed when I was 5 years old...I still remember coming home from kindergarten and seeing it and a new pink comforter in my room. Gwen's big girl bed, however, is covered in Hello Kitty.

This morning, Gwen woke up and we opened her presents before Hawksbill had to go to his internship. She is now the proud owner of an airplane, a green care bear, Max and Ruby beanie babies, and more clothes and toy jewelry.

We are making a green cake which will be frosted pink when it cools and then a Dora the Explorer cake topper if I can figure out how to put the thing together.

Happy 3rd birthday, little girl!! I hope you have a wonderful day!!

Tuesday....aaaafternoonnn....

Just a quick update about nothing. This weekend we decided to take a spur-of-the-moment trip to balmy Toledo for a hotel with a pool that Simon has begging us to go to. Unfortunately, COSI in Toledo is closed due to lack of money (or so I heard) so the trip was a swimming trip only. It was fun, though--we swam for about 4 hours (not in a row) and had a good time. Why Toledo? Well, we stayed at this hotel almost 2 years ago and had a blast--there are two pools--a family pool and an adults only pool. Both pools are indoor/outdoor pools, and due to this fact, are kept VERY warm. The restaurant at this particular hotel is pretty good, too--it wasn't as amazing as we remembered it being 2 years ago...but good enough :)

Today is Tuesday and based on this morning and the previous two Tuesday mornings, we have determined that it will snow every Tuesday which makes for a long morning commute for Hawksbill. There isn't much snow on the ground, but enough to make those lovely Detroit freeways a mess and add another 30-45 minutes to his already long commute.

I made the mistake of shoveling our driveway and our neighbor's driveway before 1 pm, as we had another blast of wind that swept away all my hard work. Maybe I will redo my shoveling again, but not until after 5 pm when working hours are technically over.

Let's see...it is just before 4 pm so I expect to see Hawksbill again in about 4-5 hours. Only 12 more weeks of this schedule. At least Tuesday is his only late night...it makes quite a difference being able to see him almost every night rather than only on the weekend evenings!!

On a different note, a friend of mine from high school will be starring in the upcoming production on Mama! Mia! that is coming to Detroit in February. I have already seen Mama! Mia!, however, am hoping to gather up some high school friends to go and see him in the play. I haven't spoken to this particular friend since my undergraduate years, but it is cool to see a friend from high school doing what they really wanted to do when they graduated--this friend always wanted to be an actor, and that is what he is. Super cool!

Back in the Swing of Things

Winter semester '08 is upon us, and so is another semester of homeschooling. Simon really seems to like the new math books we bought him, and I have to admit I like them a lot better, too. It seems like they have a better variety of problems, plus more colorful diagrams, and it seems a lot less repetitive. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in practice, but sometimes you need a freaking break. How many times days can you spend adding up the same two single digit numbers before you say, "Enough!"

Hawksbill and I (mostly Hawksbill) have been reading a lot of "Once upon a time" tales and now some Greek mythology stories to Simon at night, which he really seems to like. Gwen still likes reading a billion board books at night followed by singing her 5-6 songs.

Hawksbill is now into his second full week of this semester, too, and can I tell you how happy I am that we do not have to drag the kids around on a baby/car swap this semester? I don't know why it always takes 45 minutes to get them ready and into the car, but we don't have to do that due to one less class for Hawksbill, and our schedule allowing us to avoid that dreaded swap. I mentioned this to a relative (who knows we are homeschooling) who said to me, "Oh, just wait until next fall when you have to do this every day when they are in school!" I didn't say anything because I didn't want to get into a big family discussion about homeschooling that day. However, when this same, well-meaning, relative called me this morning to let me know, "I needed to register Simon NOW for school in the fall because if I don't, the state won't even know he exists and he can't go to school!!!" I reminded her that we were homeschooling in the fall, to which they added, "Well, in case you change your mind, you really should register Simon now."

This was followed by another light-hearted, "I don't know how you could stand homeschooling--I could never do it--I can't wait to send MY kids to school and get them out of my hair!" I responded, "That's too bad--I want to spend every possible precious moment with my kids, and I just wish I had even more time with them." Perhaps that wasn't very nice of me, but it is true, and sometimes I just blurt out what I am really thinking rather than bite my tongue every single time someone says something to me about not wanting to spend time with their kids. Oh, please--don't get me wrong--everyone's kids drive them batty once in a while--everyone needs a break--but I still want to be with mine more time than I am not.

It is like a very nice post on my friend Housefairy's blog recently about trusting yourself and doing what is right for YOUR OWN family. You know, I really don't care how other people are raising their kids or living their lives, but I do care about my family. You take the advice and ideas you like and use them, and you ignore the advice and junk you don't need.

My "found money" project has gotten off to an ok start this year. I think I have 44 cents now. I am trying to get Simon and Gwen into this, too, but so far they don't care (except when it comes to the time to spend the found money-ha!)

Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope the new year is treating you all just fine!

Ico & Shadow

One last note on video games before I return to real life on Tuesday.

I finished Ico late last night. It is a short game and took me only about 10 hours to complete. However, it lived up to its promise and I found it as moving and introspective as its prequel, Shadow of the Collosus.

In short it is the story of a young boy who is believed to be "cursed" by his community and is imprisoned in a gigantic fortress at the games beginning. In fact he is the latest in a long line of "cursed" boys who have been so imprisoned. The game begins with his entombment and proceeds with his attempt to escape. Along the way he find a mysterious girl in a cage who he sets free and they set off together to find their way out. Or, at least, the boy is looking for a way out. The girl is easily distracted by the clouds and small animals. She seems confused and unearthly.

Basically, your role as player is to solve puzzles which create pathways that allow Ico (the boy) and Zorda (the girl) to leave. On that level it is very Tomb Raider like and isn't all that impressive.

It is on the narrative level that Ico (and SotC) really impress me. But, it is difficult to describe the beauty of the narrative in words because the story telling technique used is so minimal. In fact, the story seems beautiful not because of what is told in the story, but because of what isn't told. It is kind of like a sculpture where everything non essential is chipped away and only the absolute barest details are left behind. And even they are subject to great interpretation.

I was just reading this narrative analysis of Ico and the author there said it best. He said that the story in Ico "insists on holding silence on its own narrative." I love this kind of story telling . If done well the audience is left stunned by witnessing something beautiful but they are also unable to describe that beauty without imbuing the story with their own interpretation.

As such, whoever is describing the story is not describing just the story. Instead they are describing the story in a way that is intertwined with their own perspective on life or beauty or whatever. Everyone brings something of themselves to the interpretation, which is required because the story is so minimal that it requires interpretation to be described.

I won't bore anyone with my own interpretations. That would be out of place here when all I really wanted to do was describe the sense of wonder I'm left with after playing these two really great games.

Some Ico and Shadow of the Colossus links:
Here are a number of nice high rez screen shots of Ico if anyone is interested.
Here is a set of fan created art which is pretty impressive.
Also, here is a blog dedicated to both games.

Hawksbill's post o' holiday gaming

Last semester was so grueling and stressful that I didn't sleep a full night from September through the middle of December. Just about every night I awoke between 3am and 4am worried about something or other, ranging from long papers I had due to getting a job after graduation. Thus, when the holidays hit and I had over two weeks off I was determined to be lazy, to have fun and not to worry about a damn thing. And, other than spending a ton of time together as a family, I was determined to feed that monkey on my back... the gaming monkey.

The guys came over last Saturday and we played board games from noon until after midnight. I got to play Goa, Power Grid (using the Italy map) and Caylus, which are three of my favorites. There were 7 of us, which meant we had to split into two groups so Paul, Jake, Steve and George played some Age of Empires III, which none of us had played before and I got to play a game of Basari with Larry and Ben, which I had not played before also. The highlight of the day, though, was when we ended by playing a huge 6 player game of Zopp, which has been sitting around in our gaming room, waiting to be played for several weeks. Zopp is probably the most expensive game I own, and I was pleased to see that it was a big hit. It's always nice to end a gaming day with a crazy dex game.

Along with board games, I was determined to feed my video game habit this holiday. I came very close to going out and indulging in a new Playstation 3, but instead I went through my library of PS2 stuff and hit a vein of great games I hadn't played before. This convinced me that I hadn't yet exhausted the PS2's potential and I made a list of highly regarded games to play before I move to the PS3.

I started off with God of War which I played through from start to finish in about 3 days a week and a half ago. This is a fine game with a pretty good story, in which you play a Greek hero seeking vengeance against the god Ares. It has great controls, fantastic graphics and a delightful amount of brutal violence.

I've owned this one for a bout a year, and played it a bit, but it never really grabbed me until a couple of weeks ago. There were a couple of really frustrating moments trying to escape from the underworld, but I guess escaping from the underworld should probably be very difficult. All in all, though, a great gaming experience.

Another game I've owned for over a year but never played is Shadow of the Colossus. In SotC you play a young lad who brings his trusty horse, a stolen magic sword and a dead girl to a mysterious temple in a lonely unpopulated land and prays for her resurrection. His prayers are answered by a booming voice that instructs him to take his magic sword and slay 16 different colossi and then the girl will be brought back to life.

Basically, it is a 3rd person action-adventure combat and puzzle solving game in which you must kill only boss-monsters. You have a horse, a bow and a sword and the monsters are sometimes hundreds of feet tall. The puzzles in the game are all about how to locate the colossi and then how to find their individual weaknesses which you exploit to kill them.

I finished Shadow of the Colossus in about 5 days and after watching the closing animation sequence I had to admit this this was likely one of the best games I've ever played. In fact, Simon had been sitting on my lap watching me play for almost all of that time and at the end of the game he actually cried a little in sympathy for the characters. The story was so sad and moving that I felt like I'd just finished a classic piece of literature. Even now, several days later I can't get it out of my head. It still haunts me.

In fact, many players have found SotC to be haunting and worthy of considerable thematic speculation. I found this plot/theory analysis over at gamefaqs.com which tries to put all the pieces together. One of the great things about this game is that the characters only speak an unintelligible Japanese/Latin combination. This means that the back story is never fully explained which allows for a lot of internal speculation while you're playing.

SotC was written by a game designer named Fumito Ueda who intended it to be a prequel to a previous PS2 game called Ico, which I had heard of before but hadn't payed much attention to. Wander, in SotC is supposed to be the ancestor of the main character of Ico, and is the first of a long line of cursed boys born each generation because of the horrors Wander committed in SotC. It turns out that Ico was something of a cult hit and new copies of it are selling for $80+, but I just ordered a used copy for a reasonable price and can't wait to play it.

For me, playing Shadow of the Colossus is the video game equivalent to reading Alan Moore's comic The Swamp Thing for the first time. You are engaging in medium you think you understand and can't really be surprised about, but the story stretches that medium in simple, poetic and unexpected directions that are simultaneously beautiful and sorrowful. It really reminds you that games can be works of art, although they seldom are. Damn, I can't wait to play Ico!

For anyone interested, I found several interviews with Fumito Ueda regarding his games. One is with the Guardian another is with CVG and a third is with Wired.

After playing God of War and Shadow of the Colossus from start to finish I was determined to finish one more game before I go back to school next Tuesday. In my research I stumbled across the Prince of Persia series which, like Ico, I'd seen before but never paid a lot of attention to. I'm currently about a third of the way through the first in the PS2 trilogy called The Sands of Time.

The graphics in The Sands of Time are a bit dated, as it came out back in 2003, but are still fairly pleasant. Like the others it is a 3rd person action-adventure game, but this one has more emphasis on puzzle solving than on combat, unlike God of War which is a bit more weighted towards ripping the heads off Gorgons. Actually, I picked up this game because I read a review of Ico in which they were compared as having similar game play styles. It is a good one, but not as moving as SotC so far.

I'm very pleased, though. Most games are marginal at best and the really good ones are few and far between. I feel like I've hit a gold mine of quality gaming fun to maximize my holiday goofing off.

Once school starts up again I won't be able to be this epically lazy. But, I've put together a list of other games I plan to play on the PS2 over the next several months before switching to the PS3.

These are: Ico, God of War II, and parts II and III of the Prince of Persia series (The Warrior Within and The Two Thrones). I'm also a bit tempted by The Devil May Cry trilogy, which I have part 1 of but haven't played yet and by Psychonaughts, which I started last year and played for a couple of hours but never finished. Also I want to finish Dark Cloud II, which Simon and I started a few weeks ago and Star Ocean, which are both rpg's that look well worth playing.

I was toying with going with the xbox 360 instead of the PS3, but I've pretty much decided now to stay with Sony's console. After all, God of War is exclusive to the Playstation line. Also, and probably more importantly though, Fumito Ueda who designed Shadow of the Colossus and Ico is currently working for Sony on a 3rd game. This next one is all hush hush right now, but I'm hoping it will be set in the same universe as the others and will be as haunting as SotC.

What a great holiday this has been. I can't express what a relief it is to spend all this time with Barb and the kids and playing games instead of worrying about papers, exams, internship stuff, my upcoming graduation and getting a job.

I'll get back to that stuff next Tuesday. Until then I have misshapen Arabian sand demons to slay!

Happy New Year!!!

Yay yay yay it is 2008!! Hawksbill, Simon and Gwen and I are having a really nice, lazy, relaxing vacation...I am sad to say today is my last day off and have to go back to work tomorrow, but Hawksbill really has one more week off (if you don't count Friday when he goes in for his internship one day--school starts up next week for him!)

Gwen woke up this morning and we told her, "Happy New Year, Gwen!" and she responded, "Thanks. Did our presents come?" Ha! Sorry, little one...you'll have to wait another 3.5 weeks until your birthday for that....

I am going to restart my *found money* counter at the beginning of the new year instead of in March like I said I would. I have been having so much fun with it that I figured I might as well begin the new year fresh. So, my 2007 total ended at $9.11 which is a little more than $1/month. I only found 1 bill ($1) so all of the rest was pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters--mostly pennies and dimes.

I found this article about other people doing the found money experiment so I am not the only geek in town! However, my money will be spent on Amazon.com since we just pooled our found money with our counter change jar and turned in the change for another e-certificate. I was hoping to buy another copy of my destroyed Tae Bo tape (laugh if you will, but Billy Blanks is my hero!) so I can start up another New Year's resolution that I was doing well with last year up until about 6 weeks ago when final exam, final paper crunch time exhaustion set in (yes, I know--I wasn't writing any papers), but since Hawksbill was studying every last minute and Gwen wants me to pick her up every time I try to put on an exercise tape, the whole exercise part of last year really fizzled during the most important time of the year! However, it appears the original Tae Bo that I want to buy is some weird collector's item now that they want at least $65 for an *acceptable* condition DVD!! No thanks! I guess we will buy something else and maybe I'll try ebay for my tape or just go to the Tae Bo website and buy some new set of DVD's and try something different. However, I really really liked my old tape...so we shall see.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful New Year. I am looking forward to Hawksbill finishing school in about 4 months (yay!!!) and going camping this summer and just having a fresh start this year.

Hello Kitty Coma and Star Wars Bliss

Merry Christmas everyone (3 days late)!! What a nice nice week we are having...I am just loving this week off (thank you university closure and holidays!) I have been off work since Friday, and we have been goofing off almost all week.



Monday afternoon the kids opened up their presents from grandma K from Arizona--mostly clothes, but my kids love getting clothes so they were happy. Monday evening was my family's Christmas party where we went to my oldest brother, J's, house and had a Christmas dinner and presents for all the cousins. Simon and Gwen have ten cousins from my side of the family, so he had fun playing with all of them and being silly all night.

This was the first year we actually went out and bought presents for all of my nieces and nephews. My older sister and I always try talking everyone into picking names or adopting a family or something but no one else E.V.E.R. wants to do this, and we usually opted out of the *buy-something-for-every-kid* part of Christmas due to limited funds. However, I guess I was feeling guilty about not buying presents for people who have been buying presents for my
kids every single year and decided to try to find something for each cousin that they would like this year. I think we did ok--except for my nephew, S, who is 13 and some kind of mad scientist. :) The remote control airplane we bought seemed pretty lame after we saw the *lightening machine* he built in the basement. I'll have to think more high tech next year.

Tuesday morning Santa had delivered presents to our house and the kids were happy that Santa got them EXACTLY what they asked for, and not some extra stuff Santa thought they might like but then never use. So, this year Simon wanted an inflatable solar system (which was a lot bigger than I expected, but he loves it!), the latest 3 Star Wars Movies, and the strategy guide for Star Wars Lego: The Complete Saga (which, btw, is actually useless to us since we don't have this game nor do we have the proper system to buy it, however Simon insisted he get this particular strategy guide--ok!). All Gwen wanted was a doll house and a teddy bear, however Santa did bring her a Hello Kitty blanket because we have a thing about blankets around here. The kids also opened up their presents from our attorney ;) and they loved the card game and Beatles lullaby CD. (Thank you also for the cool T-shirt, game and chocolate!! Oh, how I love the chocolate!! It rocks!!!)

After opening up presents from Santa, we loaded up the car and made the long drive to Grand Rapids where grandpa I and Aunt S gave the kids even more nice things, so they were having an extra special spoiled Christmas. Gwen is officially Hello Kitty and Disney Princessed out. I never ever thought in a million years I would have a princess girl. I know I say this over and over, but I have given up and let the pink side take over. The girl has never even SEEN a Disney princess movie, but I tell you whatever evil mastermind at Disney decided to combine the likes of all princesses and market it to little girls better have received some really big bonus (and have a special dark place in he77 reserved for him/her) because I haven't been able to get the girl out of the pink pajamas in 4 days now. Sigh...I give up. Hello Kitty is cool, but princess? I just give up...she loves it...she is 2...I will just keep repeating those things over and over again.

Simon watched all three Star Wars movies already and read most of his strategy guide...and our house is full of planet beach balls...he is a very happy boy.

As if this wasn't enough, Aunt M from Georgia and their other cousins from Georgia sent a bunch more presents for the kids which they opened on Wednesday morning--mostly clothes again which is nice because then I don't have to buy any new clothes this year :) and again the kids really love clothes...this is so weird to ME since I remember being horribly disappointed at Christmas if Santa brought me clothes instead of a toy...ha ha ha....oh, well!!

But presents aside, this has just been a nice nice nice week. The presents are nice (but unnecessary--but GREATLY appreciated) but just having time to wind down and rest and relax and do absolutely nothing except watch bad movies and eat gobs of chocolate (I received a lot of chocolate this year--woo hoo!) is all I care about. Not having to work, write papers, think, etc...I am really thankful and amazed at what a nice week this has been. I am glad we opted to be pretty darn lazy after Christmas because last year was a bit too chaotic for me trying to make sure we saw every friend on the planet. This year it is couch potato week and I am enjoying every bit of it!!

Tomorrow is gaming day for the guys at our house, so the house will be filled with gaming buddies and what not...however, it is also my older sister's anniversary and I had already agreed to babysit before this game day was planned so the kiddos and I will be over her house tomorrow night. But then I still have 3 more days off after that, so I will be enjoying every lazy minute of it!!!!

Yeeee Haa!!!

The semester is finally over. This one was more grueling than the previous two, for some reason. Especially December. Since Thanksgiving, until yesterday, we never had a day to spend together as a family. I had to take every available moment to go to the library to work on papers for one class or another. But, now I can take a break.

Over the last few days I've made the rounds to the local game stores (video, not board) and picked up a few tidbits to keep me occupied until I return to classes in January. I bought Star Ocean, Dark Cloud 2 and Bard's Tale for the PS2. So far, Simon and I are both enjoying Dark Cloud. It has a very cartoony feel to it, but also very deep gameplay on both a story and mechanical level. Along with fighting your way through dungeons and moving through the plot, the main character also has a camera with him which he uses to document "ideas" which are then used to "invent" new items that you use in the game. It's quite well done. I haven't had the chance to try the others yet. It is nice that he and I can play games like this together now. It's a single player game, but we can take turns with the controller. He likes to explore more than he likes combat, but its a blast that we're enjoying the same hobbies.

Also, based on my attorney's recommendation, I sneaked out alone last night to see the new Will Smith movie, I am Legend. I'm a big sucker for last-man-on-earth movies, and also zombie movies so I couldn't resist the combination of the two. I was a bit annoyed by the hokey religious element at the end, but overall I quite liked it. To sum up, I liked that it was introspective and was more about humanity than about zombies. I liked how the struggle to save humanity was mirrored by the protagonists personal struggle to stay sane and I enjoyed implication that the zombies were somewhat sentient. The basic story element to save the zombies was also a nice change from the usual plot to kill them. Good stuff.

I should probably re-rent 28 Days Later, and I've never seen its sequel, 28 Weeks Later. I'm also kind of interested in 30 Days of Night, just because I also like vampires and Alaska, but I have a feeling any fun in these films will be primarily on a visceral and not an introspective level.

All in all the holidays are off to a good start. Good games, good movies and more time to spend together as a family. Also, we're planning a big board gaming day at our house on the 29th and it is looking like we may have 10 or 11 players going from noon until we all pass out from gaming-related exhaustion. Woot!

Oh, and lest I forget, Simon has been saving up for 10+ weeks to buy a Lego X-Wing fighter. It was on backorder but it arrived in the mail at the same time that he saved enough of his allowance to buy it. We finished assembling it together yesterday before I went out to shovel. I always wanted an X-Wing when I was a kid. I'm overjoyed that my son is willing to save for months to buy toys that I've been wanting for 30 years.

Like I said, "Yeeee Haa!!!"

Who Ordered All This Snow?

The weatherman was right--we were buried in snow today...makes us wish that we had a working snowblower...poor Hawksbill shoveled it all by hand today while I tried to clean the inside of the house, so we are both exhausted now.

Hawksbill finished his final exam and papers (woo hoo!) and other than having to go in one day for his internship next week, he basically has the next 2-2.5 weeks off!! Woo hoo! Again! One more semester to go!!

We never ended up getting Indian food the other night...just cheap pizza and cheesecake...good enough for me. Maybe when things clear up a bit we can go out. We did all go out Friday night and see, Alvin and the Chipmunks, which was cute, not great, but what do you expect? I was suffering a bit of sticker shock, however, when the ticket bill came to $29 for two adults and two kids!! Geez!! It hardly seems worth it when you know you could buy the DVD in a few months for probably half that price.

Simon and Gwen decided they needed to tell jokes today...they usually start out with some standards and then make up their own. Gwen's favorite is, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" to which she always takes about 10 minutes to get out her answer, "Because he wanted to... because he getted to the other side!!!" This is followed by her repeating this joke 100 more times....Simon's favorite today was the classic, "What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?" Which we all know the answer to...but then he starts making them up...so we get...
"Why did the chicken lay an egg?" "Because it had CHEESE in it!!"
"What time is it when an ant sits on a lego?" "Time to get the ant off the lego!"
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Because he was walking!!"
"Why did the chicken eat cheese?" Because he was a CHEESE chicken!!"

I don't know about their future in stand up, but they were certainly amused today. :)

2 More Hours....

I am taking my countdown very seriously...Hawksbill is taking his last final exam as I type this and should be finished by 5. I cannot wait until he gets home in (hopefully) about 3 hours. Of course, I would feel better in two more hours if I didn't have to go to work next week, but alas, I do...oh, well...

I am trying very hard to enjoy today but it isn't working out very well. I worked all day yesterday but then put in another 2 hours last night before going to bed. I don't think dreaming about work counts as work hours, but that is all I had to dream about last night...only to wake up to emails that made me less than happy from coworkers who work very hard to avoid doing anything...I usually don't write about work and I try VERY hard to avoid the topic, but today happens to be my birthday and I really wanted to take today off and not work at all...so instead of baking a cake or cookies, I am yelling at the babies to stop climbing on top of the kitchen counter and jumping through the window leading to the funroom, cleaning up a full cup of hot cocoa that darling Gwen spilled all over the counter which had the really sweet birthday card from Hawksbill, my mom, plus a few new Christmas cards, trying to keep Gwen from formatting our hard drive (she is going to succeed one of these days, I can feel it!), and trying to get twenty hours of work done in less than eight hours so we might be able to go out to dinner tonight.

So, dear Simon and Gwen, I am sorry mommy is a crab today, but it isn't going exactly as planned...

Sorry for the whiny post. In general life is wonderful and I am thankful for everything, my babies, and Hawksbill...but I would really just like some sugar cookies and Indian food...or maybe Pizzapopolis (sp?) or some other incredibly comforting food :)

One more week

So, Hawksbill is at school today for his last day of Thursday classes. Next Thursday is final paper/final exam day, but this is the last week of classes. I don't remember the last day we all hung out together--maybe Thanksgiving???

Hawksbill gave me an early birthday present of a digital camera!! Yay!! No more running to have pictures developed and then having to scan them all in!! Woo hoo!! Also, no more spending a ton of money of developing a bunch of pictures that didn't turn out quite right...of course, now I am worried that I won't have anything developed but I guess I can keep online photo albums, right?

Simon and Gwen are enjoying this 1/2 inch of snow we got this week. I, for one, am NOT enjoying the cold this week. Maybe it will snow some more and warm up a little.

Just one more week...I can make it, right? I am so over this semester. Then next semester is it for Hawksbill...I still can't believe it. I think I posted before that I told a friend when HE completed Grad School, Simon would be three and I couldn't imagine Simon being three...but I told Hawksbill Simon would be 6 and Gwen would be 3 when he finished Grad School...and it will be happening in about 4.5 months...wow...time flies...I don't know ...I am glad time is passing quickly so Hawksbill will be finished with school, but I miss Simon and Gwen being babies and tiny...they seem so big now...ah, well. Enough babbling for me...I just can't wait until I can see Hawksbill again when he ISN'T working on a paper or studying for an exam :)

A Fowl Discovery

Tonight I was putting together a quick dinner of leftovers and grilled cheese sandwiches. While I was cutting up some chicken for Simon, he pointed to something and said,

"What's that?"

"A bone," I answered.

"What do you mean, 'A bone'?" he asked.

"A chicken bone."

Looking completely surprised, "Um, do you mean a chicken bone? The animal chicken?"

"Yes, Simon, an animal chicken."

"You mean, that chicken is a chicken????"

"Yes, Simon, this is an animal chicken and we eat it. We eat the meat. Just like when we eat a hamburger, it is cow meat."

"I didn't know we ate animals."

"Do you still want the chicken for dinner?"

"OK...well, no, I think I'll have an apple instead."

Sigh...so anyway...it happened. Simon has finally put two and two together. And his decision to eat an apple instead of his chicken doesn't have me jumping to the conclusion that he is destined to be a vegetarian or anything (which if he chooses to be one, that is fine) but the fact is, the boy eats so LITTLE as it is, I am going to have a hard time if he decides he can't eat the few morsels of meat that he will stomach each week. If he liked beans or peanut butter or some other form of protein, I wouldn't care so much, but he hates almost everything so I hope this new found discovery doesn't decrease his tiny appetite even more.

Let's Zopp!

I was just browsing around on the geek and found Zopp! I've been trying to figure out what I want for Christmas and this just might be it! Here's a video of it in action. It is kind of pricey, but damn, it looks like fun! It also looks like a great dexterity game for both kids and adults.



Also, I found these lists of games for kids:

Playing "real" games with 5/6 year olds

Games that Daughter the Elder will trade bedtime books to play

EDIT:
Taking the advice of one of these lists, I introduced Simon to Carcassonne yesterday. He took to it pretty quickly, but we did simplify the rules a bit. We only scored the roads, cities and monasteries and we didn't score anything after the last tile was played. I won, but only by two points. He was very excited to play a game that daddy plays with "the guys."

3 More Weeks

Hawksbill's classes end three weeks from yesterday and I cannot wait. I think we are both stressed to the gills for various reasons (mostly work and school, obviously) so when he finishes his classes this term, we will be sooo happy to have a week break (almost 2 weeks for him) after he finishes this semester.

We are packing this Thanksgiving Weekend with too much, too, but that's life, right? We drove to Grand Rapids for Thanksgiving dinner with Hawksbill's dad, then back again last night. Today his friends are all sitting in the *dining table room* as the kids call it playing board games and drinking a lot :) so the kids and I went to my sister's house for a second Thanksgiving dinner today (her turkey didn't thaw yesterday, so she made it today) and then I did some Christmas shopping (yes, I went to the mall--I really don't mind the psychotic shoppers as long as I don't have to drag anyone along with me). Tomorrow we will go to a German restaurant to celebrate my cousins', A and H's, 70th wedding anniversary. Yes, they are my cousins (I think they are my 1st cousins twice removed if I have figured that out correctly) and YES, they have been married 70 years. I think at this point they are just staying together for the kids ;)

I heard my cousin, A, however, was in a car accident this week (yes, he is in his 90's and still drives) so he may be wearing a neck brace tomorrow. I am just thankful the accident wasn't worse than it was.

I believe Hawksbill and I (or maybe just Hawksbill) have plans tomorrow night. Then Sunday is my sister, A's, birthday but Tuesday is my parents' anniversary, so usually there is some birthday/anniversary mixed party so I imagine something will be going on Sunday, too. I know Hawksbill has too many papers to do something Sunday, so it will probably be just the kids and me going somewhere on Sunday.

But, the most important news of all, my absolute most favorite pizza place in the universe, Vendetti's Pizza, now renamed, Vendetti's Spanky House, has reopened after over two years of being closed for relocation purposes. The pizza place was originally located at 23 Mile and Mound Roads right behind the Ford (and later the Visteon) plant that I believe has since closed. The new store was supposed to open at 24 Mile and Van Dyke, but for some reason the new store location wasn't being built fast enough, so they settled on a store on Van Dyke closer to 26 Mile Road. I have to say, this place was the one reason I would visit my parents' house weekly. Their Spanky sub sandwich, which consists of a specially made pepperoni roll just packed with real pepperoni, their spaghetti meat sauce, and (I would have to estimate) a full 2 cups of mozzarellas cheese on one sub, well, my mouth is watering as I type this. It is pure heaven. It rocks...I would eat them every day if I could, but I don't think I could justify the mileage on my car right now in order to do this.

I wanted to go to the grand opening the week of Halloween, however, my brother said he tried to order something that week and was told it would be a 3-hour wait. And then, the first week they sold so much food, they had to close down for 3 days to reorganize...apparently a lot of people had been awaiting the second coming of the Spanky. I patiently waited until last week Sunday to purchase my first Spanky in 2 and a half years, and I tell you, it did not disappoint. I will be back.

I am tired just typing this now....tomorrow will be another busy day and I really really cannot wait until our break in 3 weeks. Until next time....

So sad...

Yesterday I was digging through my jewelry box to find a bracelet when I noticed my small gray box containing my grandmother's pearls was missing. Gone. Disappeared. I ripped apart my room, Gwen's room, anywhere I could possibly think of, but I can't find them. On top of this, I am trying to remember the last time I saw them in there--was it a week ago? A month? Two months? I am not 100% sure the last time I saw them, but I know they were there this summer.

My dad had these pearls strung into a choker and bracelet and bought me a pair of matching earrings for my wedding day. I hardly ever wear them, but still hoped to someday pass them on to Gwen. I don't know what they are worth, but the sentimental value to me is priceless and I am so sad. I know the jewelry, in theory, could be replaced, but not my attachment to the ones that belonged to my grandma who died a little over a year before Hawksbill and I were married.

It seems there are only a few possible explanations: 1) I put them somewhere to keep them safe and forgot where they are 2) They were accidentally thrown away somehow, or 3) they were stolen (but by whom and why take this one box as it appears nothing else is missing??)

I know that a million worse things could have happened to me yesterday, but I am still really blue about this.

Cryptography for Kindergarteners

This is just a request for information here because I keep forgetting to ask people in real life, so I am just going to post this on the blog hoping the 5-6 people who read it occasionally can help. :) Does anyone know where to buy some books with little code breaking puzzles for little kids? Simon received a book like this as a gift with little codes (you know, A=1, B=2, etc. or shapes in place of letters, etc) and he really really loves to do these puzzles, but I can't find them anywhere.

I have tried Target, Meijer, Barnes and Nobles, Borders, K-mart, Kroger, Toys R Us, and a few other random grocery stores, but I can't seem to find any books like this anywhere. The one book he has is just a coloring book that has these types of *code* puzzles in it, but it also has some *find the hidden picture* and other little puzzles, but I can't seem to find any books that have these particular secret code problems in it and he really likes them. Hawksbill found some individual sheets like these on PBS kids the other day, but it was only 1-2 pages.

So, anyway...if anyone has seen something like this in a store or online or has any other search suggestions for finding this type of puzzle book, please let me know!!!

Thanks!!

Barbnocity

Shapes, Math and the Danger Rangers

I should be working on school stuff right now, but as usual I can’t focus without a looming deadline so instead I’ll write a post about the kids.

My apologies ahead of time if this just seems like bragging. I guess it is, but I can’t help but being proud of them. It’s in my job description.

Gwen keeps surprising me with what she’s learning, even though we’re surely not trying to teach her anything. We used to sing to her every night but she’s no longer interested and instead favors board books, like Hippos go Berserk or The Eye Book. She makes us read to her at bedtime and also first thing in the morning. She won’t get out of bed or let us change her diaper in the morning for less than 6 books.

She recognizes pretty much every letter of the alphabet now, at least the upper case ones. Also, she really surprised me the other day. One of the board books we have is called The Art of Shapes. On every page is a piece of modern art on the left side of the page and then an isolated shape from that piece of art on the right side, along with the word for that shape (triangle, square, etc.).

I grabbed the book off the shelf just to add to our repertoire. I don’t think she’d seen it before. I opened it up and started to read it to her but before I could begin she looked at the first shape and said: “square”. Then I turned the page and she said: “triangle”. Then we went all the way through the book and she, without my prompting, correctly identified a rectangle, a circle and even a cone. She got stumped by “cylinder” and “spiral” though so there was at least something I could teach her. She still has trouble with “cylinder”, but she has “spiral” down. To be fair, the picture of a cylinder in the book isn’t very good. I should find a plastic tube or something in real life and show it to her.

My favorite thing, though, is that at least once a day lately, out of the blue she’ll say: “Daddy” and I’ll say: “What is it Gwen” and she’ll respond: “I love you”. Awwww... And then I’ll take my eyes off her for a minute and she’ll go down to the basement and pour an entire bowl of cat food into the cat’s water bowl. Truthfully, she’s very tough to live with sometimes and she occasionally pushes my patience to the limits, but she is a sweetie for all that.

Simon is also surprising us lately. We’ve been doing math lessons most every day (although I’m not totally happy with Saxon math, and we’re thinking of changing). We mostly focus on simple single digit addition and subtraction and recently we've gotten a bit into telling time, weighing small objects and playing with tangram-like toys to do spacial relationship stuff. However, on his own and without us guiding him he’s been demonstrating a basic understanding of fractions, multiplication and division.

The other day he watched an episode of Cyberchase about fractions and afterward he brought me a piece of construction paper. On it, in crayon, he’d written: 148/160. He said to me: “See daddy, here’s how many gold bricks we’ve collected in our Star Wars Lego game (for the PS2). I asked him to tell me about it and he told me that the numerator (pointing that the 148) told us how many bricks we’ve collected so far and the denominator (pointing at the 160) is how many there are to get altogether.

He was excited because it told him how many more gold bricks we needed to collect. I was excited because he just correctly told me what a numerator and a denominator was.

Also, the other day he told me that “2 times 2 equals 4”. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I was probably distracted by Gwen pouring cat food into the water bowls or something. But, last night we were out at Target and I remembered it so I asked him: “Simon, what is 3 times 4?” and he said: “12”. Then I asked three or four more simple multiplication problems and he got them all right. (He did miss “what is 4 times 6” though. He said “48”, but even that told me that he understood the basic concept of multiplication, because he got 8 times 6 instead. (if he’d said “19” or something I’d have figured he was just guessing. I don’t know where he’s getting this. It’s not from me. Either he just has his mother’s genes or he’s been watching more Cyberchase. Cyberchase ROCKS.

Finally, he’s been learning the concepts behind division because of his allowance. He gets $5 per week and he always saves up for large Lego sets that cost $50 or $70. So, when he sees something he wants he first asks how much it is, then he translates that into how many weeks it will take him to save for it. Then he recalculates how many weeks it would take Gwen to save up for the same thing (she gets $2 per week). We don’t call this “division” but he’s obviously understanding the concept.

And then yesterday he did something that told me that he’s the sweetest boy on the planet with a heart of gold (despite his occasional temper tantrums when Gwen touches his toys).

Here’s what happened.

One of his favorite shows on PBS is called Danger Rangers about a team of animated animals who rescue kids from trouble and then teach them safety tips. Yes, it is corny, but he loves it.

He asked me to help him send all the Danger Rangers a letter because he wanted to write to them. So, I made a fake gmail account for the Danger Rangers and we wrote them an email. He dictated it to me. He invited them to all come over to our house for a special play day on November 25^th (he picked the day after consulting the calendar). He had it all planned out about what games and toys they would play with. So I wrote the email and sent it off to this dummy account I created.

But then I thought, wait a minute… he really believes they are real characters. I hadn’t understood that before. I’m not sure if I did the right thing here, but I chose not to tell him that they weren’t real. Instead I sent Barb a quick email asking her to check the dummy account and to respond to Simon as the Danger Rangers telling him that they couldn’t make it on that day because they were too busy rescuing kids who needed help.

An hour or so later Barb told me that she’d done this so I said: “Hey, Simon, let’s check our email to see if the Danger Rangers wrote back to us.” He was all excited. I read him the email thinking, wow, he’s going to love getting real email from his heroes! Instead, after I read it he crawled slowly off my lap, went over to the couch, pulled a blanket up over his face and started crying. My heart broke right then and there.

He was SO sad that the Danger Rangers couldn’t come to see him. He really thinks they are real. For better or for worse we’re not telling him the truth yet. The disappointment that they can’t come to visit is enough for now. Other harsh realities can wait until later, when he figures it out on his own.

But today is another day. Today he and Gwen are spending the day with our friend Housefairy and her four kids, who Simon and Gwen love hanging out with. If he can’t have the Danger Rangers, at least he has real life friends to make up for it.

Catching up with Fall

We did a lot so far this fall, and since my favorite holiday, Halloween, was last week, I figured it was about time to catch up and have my photos developed. As promised, Simon and Gwen were Princess Leia and Han Solo for Halloween. Hawksbill and I, however, cheaped out and didn't dress up this year. But the weather was perfect and the kids had a blast.


Leia and Han Solo


Closeup of *the hair*


It was so hard to get Han Solo to stand still for a photo...


Simon and Gwen playing in the backyard with leaves...

I won't lie--I made them hug for this next picture...




One of our trips to the apple orchard...Simon's favorite part was the animals



Gwen's favorite part of the apple orchard was the donuts :) (mine, too!)



One of the many trips to the Nature Center--Simon loves climbing rocks



More rocks to climb on



Gwen liked to play near the water



Simon's ill-fated sunflower--this was as big as it got...I think it had a diameter of about 3 inches before the bugs and wind got to it.


Gwen playing with a party hat from Hawksbill's birthday


I just like this picture so I had to post it. She looks so innocent, doesn't she? It's hard to believe with a face like that she is capable of destroying everything she touches.... ;)

Stress Man

I've been stressed to the gills for several weeks now so I thought I'd write about it in hopes of alleviating it. I get like this in the middle of every semester so far. It feels like that guy in Hellrazer with the fishhook things that are pulling at his skin from every direction. I keep waking up at 3-5am with my mind racing about one or all of these things:

Balancing the crazy schedule. I have four 3-hour classes per week plus 2 full days of internship at the hospital. My lovely bride is taking care of us by working at least 40 hours/week, sometimes more. I have assignments to complete and research papers to write. Daycare is absurdly expensive and generally not part of our child rearing philosophy so someone always has to be at home with the kids. Managing all that puts us both on edge. At least it only lasts until next April.

Too much damn school work. This is actually a bit better this week. I just got beyond the mid-semester crunch and I only have a few small assignments to worry about this weekend. Several big papers coming up though. Just the level of reading they ask us to do each week is comical. Every week it totals out at about 150-200 pages of articles / textbook chapters per class. That's sometimes about 1,000 pages over all per week for all classes. I've resolved this issue by simply not doing the reading anymore . We don't have in class exams so I only have to read enough to write the papers or take-home exams so there's no point in trying to get everything done.

Our professors know that we've all stopped reading and they joke about it in class. They are apparently pressured by the "curriculum committee" to have us read as much as possible so they give us 3-6 textbook chapters and 8-10 articles per week to read just to pad their syllabus and satisfy this committee. Some of them are kind and put asterisks by the articles that are actually important and not just part of the scholarly game they have to play.

Will I get a job that can support my family? Once April of next year comes around I have to get my ass back out there and re-enter the workforce. Homeschooling necessitates one parent spending the majority of time at home. This means that my income will have to maintain a relatively comfy middle class lifestyle. Very difficult in a country where two incomes are usually required just to keep folk's heads above water. And, for some reason I decided that being a social worker was the career to do that with.

I don't really feel bad about leaving my old job, though. I might, except that the corporate / cubicle life I used to have literally gave me recurring thoughts of suicide every Sunday night as I dreaded having to return there the next day. I have a hard time thinking of a more spiritually vacant, soulless place than a cubicle farm at an automotive company. I did have the chance to work with some really nice people who I respected and admired, but automotive consulting just wasn't for me. I'm really happy so far with my new career choice. I really, really like helping people / families in times of personal crisis. It just sucks that it pays for shit.

Is school teaching me what I really need to know? A whole classroom of us were talking about this the other day. It has become obvious that the things we are being taught in class are not preparing us for our future careers. A lot of my fellow students are very angry about this. Our actual training comes from our internships. The actual "school" part of our time is so far not very helpful. Interesting sometimes, but not helpful. For example, drug and alcohol addiction is a pretty damn huge problem out there in the real world and one which I will have to help people with in some way on a pretty regular basis. You'd think that my very prestigious school would know this and would focus a lot of energy in helping us to understand addiction and how to help people with addictions. Nope. I just found out that they recently added one elective class in the subject. I'm going to try to take it next semester if it fits into my schedule.

Also, I keep waiting to be taught a specific type of therapy. Instead, they keep teaching us about therapy in vague, superficial ways. They teach us that specific theoretical approaches exist, and we discuss each of them for an hour or so in a class here and there, but that's it. Apparently graduate school is not the place to go for detailed and specific knowledge in a subject matter. Apparently you get this kind of knowledge and experience on the job.

What freaks me out is the idea that I'll need to have that knowledge BEFORE I'm able to get a job.

I like my current internship, but it makes me really sad. I'm at a local hospital where I have two sets of responsibilities.

First, I do what they call "hospital social work" with kids who range in age from a few weeks to 18 years old. I interview these patients and their families to determine one or both of two things.

First, I try to see if they need help with anything. This can range from getting them bus tickets to helping them find furniture because their home burned down (hence, the visit to the hospital). Sometimes people don't have insurance or they don't feel like their child is getting proper medical care or something. Second, I have to determine if the reason the child is in the hospital is due to abuse or neglect at home. So far I have called CPS (Child Protective Services) twice on different families.

I hate this part. I knew when I went into this field that I wanted nothing to do with taking people's kids away. Let's face it, foster care is not a guarantee of a non-abusive, non-neglectful environment for children.

We worked with a family last week who was simply poor. They were not abusive. They were not neglectful. They were just broke and had lost their home and had no place to go. One of my colleagues spent all day trying to find them a shelter to stay in, but there wasn't one. In the end she called CPS and had this family's 11 year old son taken away by the police because we couldn't allow him to be living outside on these cold November nights. My colleague had no other choice. The mother, father and child were all crying and trying to hold on to each other while the cop led the child away and took him off to a foster care.

The family said that someone stole their SSI check and this set off a series of events that left them homeless and childless. All we know about the end of the story is that the child was taken away from them and that the mom and dad were asked to leave hospital property because they had no business there anymore. They walked out into the cold night with no money, no car, no home and without their son. Yay us! I didn't hear about this case until after the fact. I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done differently.

The other part of my internship is more of what I'm actually interested in, but it still makes me sad. I think I've mentioned this before, but just to clarify....

The hospital offers psych counseling to children and teens who have witnessed really violent things and are experiencing symptoms of PTSD / trauma. In some cases the kids might have watched while one parent murdered another, or they might have witnessed severe domestic violence. In some cases they might even have been the victims of attempted murder, where their father stabbed them several times and then committed suicide, leaving them for dead but instead they had it in them to call 911. These are kids. The cases I mention above involve children 3-8 years old.

These kids are experiencing a huge amount of grief, but beyond that they are terrified. They often have trouble sleeping or eating. They have recurring stomach or head aches. They might be very angry on top of scared and are acting out at home or at school.

What we do is try to initially address to fear; to create a very safe environment and to create a trusting and accepting relationship in which to help them grasp and understand just how afraid they are... to reassure them that whatever hurt them before isn't going to hurt them again. If we can do that, then we can try to begin addressing the grief itself. There is an organization nearby that offers specific training to become a "Trauma Consultant." I'm thinking of getting this certification after I graduate.

The kids I work with are often the same age as my kids. This creates a lot of anxiety for me because I see these kids at the hospital and I imagine my own children going through horrible experiences like this. It is irrational, I know, but it freaks me out.

Every day at the hospital I see so much extreme pain... families at their worst and going through a kind of hell I have a hard time imagining. Last year, working with adults with schizophrenia, I found it easier to separate myself from their situations. This year, because I'm working with children and families, it is harder to not become emotionally involved and to take those feelings home with me.

I want to help them, and I think we do help, but what I want to do is take their pain away and make it "all better", which just isn't possible. Still, this is so much better than my old job. Despite my stress lately, I'm a much happier person now than I was 2-3 years ago. Even if I can't do everything to help the people I'm working with, just trying to help as much as I can makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile in the world. I never felt worthwhile in my previous career.

Ugh... apologies for allowing this post to get so long. There was just a lot on my mind this morning and, as usual, I couldn't sleep worth a damn.

Laugh if you will...

...or just don't bother reading on, because I want to write a post about diets. Or maybe I should just say, "diet," and not *diet* such as in, "I am on a diet!" but diet as just in what I am eating or not eating, or eating too much of...etc.

I am not really sure what I want to say, but I have been thinking about eating a lot lately, mostly because in the last few years I seem to eat as much as possible when it comes to *free food* and I want to STOP IT. As much as I love food, I am also a terribly picky eater, so I don't know what my problem is. I even went so far to go back and re-read some of those terrible diet books we have, you know, Atkins, South Beach, French Women Don't Get Fat, WW Points, etc. The first three suck for plenty of reasons, but the biggest reason being the recipes. Stop giving me f*cking recipes that involve some weird herbs or ingredients that I need to travel to five different specialty stores to find and then never use because I am too tired after trying to find them all...not to mention I just spent $100 trying to make some meal I won't even like. I don't like brown rice and I don't like fish (or any seafood for that matter). I can't pretend so don't make me. I don't want to eat only meat for 2 weeks straight so don't make me. And I cannot and will not go to Eastern market and spend hours pouring over the perfect pear or something because that's what the French would do. PLEASE!!!

And then WW points. Sounds ok--you want to eat something, but you have to figure out how many points it is and then keep within your little limit...that is fun, for about a week and a half and then it tends to backfire on you. You start questioning portion size, "Gee, these McDonald French fries seem a little light today, so maybe I'll knock off a point," or, "Well, I didn't eat all the sauce in my lean cuisine, so maybe it was really only a 2 point meal!" Ha! Please....save me.

Even worse than WW points was some weird computer program a couple of graduate students gave me at work that you had to type in your weight, your goal weight, the date you wanted to reach your goal, and then it would calculate how many calories you could eat each day, but you had to make sure you logged in every. bite. of . food. all. day. long. until you maxed out for the day. Who has that kind of time or patience??????

My work is offering these *wellness* sessions on healthy eating or healthy lifestyles and I went to one on Wednesday called the *virtual grocery store* where a nutritionist proceeded to tell us for an hour we need to eat more fruits, veggies and whole grain foods, and stop eating things like potato chips and processed food. Really? I was shocked (note sarcasm here). But I nearly lost it when she told us that a fun food would be microwaving a sweet potato, adding a pinch of brown sugar, a packet of Splenda and mashing it all together and it was "just like dessert!" Are you f*cking kidding me? Did you really smoke crack before you showed up to teach this session? Even worse were the people in the audience chiming in with, "I make sure I eat 45 grams of fiber daily!" or, "I like to mix in spinach leaves into a smoothie for my kids, and they just love it!" I felt like I was sitting in with a group of nutritional Stepford wives. You should have seen the looks everyone gave me when I admitted I still drink whole milk. The horrors!!

So, my latest purchase in trying to understand my great need to stuff my face like a pig has been the book, Intuitive Eating. Another quick read, and I could sum up the entire book in about 2 sentences, but the thing I liked most about this one was no recipes. No freaky ingredients...no one telling me that I would learn to love to eat x, y, or z in my new *lifestyle change*...just intuitive eating. What is it? Eat what you want, but stop when you are comfortably full. If you want a snickers bar, don't eat carrots or rice cakes, eat a snickers bar. If you want ice cream for dinner, then eat ice cream for dinner, just don't gorge yourself...stop when you are comfortably full. How, well...intuitive! Now if I could just convince my brain to start thinking that way again. I especially like the part where (paraphrased, of course) they said if you started eating something and it tastes like crap, don't FINISH it--throw it out (unless you are a a situation such as a relatives' house where you would clearly offend the host if you didn't eat their prepared meal).

Kids are natural intuitive eaters--they know when they are hungry and WILL stop when they are full until they are taught by an adult that it is BAD to leave food on their plate because people are starving in (insert some starving kid country here) or they must eat everything on their plate or they can't leave the table and we'll sit for 12 hours until you finish that soup!! Or, "Are you sad? Here, have a cookie!" Stuff like that....I was lucky being number 7 of 8 so that other than the occasional prodding by my mom to "eat just ONE kernel of corn", I was never really hassled into finishing my plate or eating something I didn't want (but I honestly think it was because my parents figured, hey more food for the rest of us if you don't want to eat!) but lately...the free food, especially the unbelievably large amounts available free at work makes me gorge.

Take yesterday--we had our annual Halloween potluck and had dishes from every corner of the globe. There were twice as many desserts as there were main dishes, and I just wanted it all...it was so good I ate until I felt physically sick for the rest of the day and I don't understand why I do this now when I would never have done something like this in the past.

Then there are the invited lecturers or conferences where there is gobs of free cheese and crackers and fruit...or the Ph.D. dissertation defenses where the defender brings in soda and cake or cookies and sandwiches trying to win over their dissertation committee with food...it is all there, in the workroom, begging to be eaten...or the birthday every other week with cake...why why why can't I just say, no, anymore? What has changed where food has become such an obsession?

So, my real hope with writing this post is that if I actually write it down and put it *out there* so to speak, I will force myself to do this...to really think about how I feel when I eat and just stop when I am full. Just because they give me 500 lbs of food at the Chinese restaurant at the mall doesn't mean I have to eat it all.right.now. It will still be there tomorrow...and it is ok to throw out food...I don't need to eat food just because one of my kids wants to *share* their goldfish or cheese....and just because there is *free* food in the workroom, doesn't mean I have to eat it.

So maybe I do not need to lose 20 lbs, but I don't want to gain it, either. I want to have some energy again at the end of the day...I want to exercise more...I want to be healthy...but I don't want to be brainwashed by some new fad, either. I know when I am not obsessing about it, I do eat fairly healthy. I know some days I could just eat whoppers all day long, and others I just want fruit and veggies. Eating less seems reasonable to me...if I could just get my mouth to work with my brain and stomach, maybe all would be well.