Dry Girls Get Pop

Only read ahead if you REALLY care to hear the story of potty training Gwen this weekend, and if you are not easily offended by language, and sarcasm. Otherwise, skip this, and I'll post about something else another day.

I hope I am not jumping the gun here, but feeding off Hawksbill's nice comment below, GWEN IS FINALLY POTTY TRAINED!! (At least, I hope she is) Woo hoo!!!

I took Wednesday through Friday off last week and on Friday Hawksbill and Simon went off for a "boy's weekend" and Gwen and I were going to have a "girl's weekend" where my goal was to yet again, attempt to potty train her. I promised her pop. I promised her that stinking doll my sister bought last August that has been collecting dust until she just peed on the stupid toilet one freaking time (JUST ONCE!!!) Finally, I bought another book (Toilet Training in Less than a Day by Nathan H. Azrin and Richard M. Foxx) a DVD (which I forgot about and is still shrink wrapped), a potty chair that you can remove the seat from the top rather than the bottom, and a doll that wets herself.

Yes, I read another stinking book on how to get my kid to do something she would eventually do, but I couldn't stand waiting any longer since she is now 4 years and 3 months old and size 6 diapers weren't cutting it anymore. This book "claimed" to have an average child trained in 3-4 hours...HOURS??? Ha ha ha....yes, right....hah ahahahahahhhahahahhahhahahha...but so goes it.

Friday we said we were going to teach the doll to pee on the potty because she was a big girl now and big girls stay dry. Well, step one, I SHOULD have tested the damn doll before I used it--I assumed a doll that wet itself had a little compartment to hold the water before it came spewing out the bottom, but no...the instant water hit "Melissa's" lips, water came out the other end...not exactly the effect I wanted, but we put the doll on the froggy potty chair (yes, I wasted another $10 on yet ANOTHER potty chair--1 of 5 now) and showed Melissa how to go. I explained to Gwen that she had to wear underwear now (am I the only person on the planet who hates the word "panties"?) and she had to stay dry....this all the while stuffing her with Pringles, candy, pop, juice boxes, and any other unhealthy thing I could manage to stuff in her that day. If I never see another Nestle crunch bar, it will be too soon.

Friday went ok....Gwen had 3 accidents, never went on the potty, but managed, at one point, to hold it for about 7.5 hours. I never asked her if she had to go potty, just asked her if she was dry, because dry girls get pop and candy...so, she was willing to hold it as long as possible for these rewards...not for peeing, but for staying DRY.

Saturday was interesting...she immediately put on underwear in the morning, and sometime around 3 pm, demanded I put her in a diaper because she didn't want to pee on the floor...so, in my gentle motherly way, dragged her butt kicking and screaming to the bathroom and told her (very sweetly--no seriously, I was speaking very softly whilst I dragged the devil child to her the place of her own personal hell) she couldn't leave the bathroom until she peed on the potty (please note this part deviates from the book). She cried, screamed, punched me, scratched me, I waited for CPS to show up, and I held that naked butt over the toilet and smiled a huge crazy grin and said how proud I was that today she was going to be a big girl and I just knew she could do this.

After a 45 minute tantrum, it finally happened...she couldn't hold it any longer, and whoosh...her first time peeing on the potty in about 9 months...

I jumped up and down, shouted, smiled, told her how proud I was, called Daddy, called Grandpa, called Auntie, told the neighbors, gave her the new doll from Auntie K (that has been waiting for her) and then continued to praise her for staying DRY.

So, the rest of the day, she told me when she had to go, and just did it by herself. This made me suspicious, but we went with it. I had just about enough cupcakes to kill a small horse, but anything she want, she got because she stayed dry. The only thing I would ask her from time to time was, "Are you dry?" and "If you have to pee, what do you do?" to which she would tell me, "Pee on the potty!!!"

Saturday night I was a little too optimistic and let her wear underwear to bed and sleep in MY bed (whoops--hey, it was my side, not Hawksbill's) so I put the diapers on that night and the next day, she threw out her diaper, put on a new pair of underwear, and would do everything herself...except #2 which she had been holding for 2 days now....

I will admit, I deviated from the book again around 9 pm Sunday night when I KNEW she had to do #2, and held her butt over the toilet for about 2.5 hours this time, but by 11:30 pm, we were tired and gave up....but...miracles do happen, and on Monday, after I got home from work, she let us know she had to do #2, went by herself...and that was that...

Gwen was home with Daddy Monday and Tuesday during the day, and took care of business herself all day long. She did have one accident this evening, but to be fair, she was outside, splashing in water in her bathing suit, knew she had to go, but just couldn't make it...but after she dried off and came back inside, she continued to do everything on her own, and let us know she was still dry.

So, I am sick of potato chips, juice boxes, cupcakes, twizzlers, you name it, if it is junk food, I don't want to see it. Gwen is wearing underwear now AND sitting on the couch without a towel under her or anything. I think she has finally got it. That diaper genie is TRASH.

This whole potty training ordeal has been especially stressful because of all the advice that EVERYONE seemed obligated to give us to tell us why we were doing it wrong.

So, let me end this with the only piece of parental advice I am willing to spew out to anyone anymore. Don't listen to anyone's unsolicited parental advice on ANYTHING. Just go with your freaking instincts. If you want to buy the wet wipe warmer, have at it. If you don't want to buy a diaper genie, don't buy one. If you want to feed your kid formula instead of breast milk--guess what, they won't die!!! If you think training girls are easier than training boys, you had a girl who happened to be easy to train. If you want to have 27 kids, have 27 kids. If you want to name your son "Qn8" (Pronounced, "Nate" the "Q" is silent)--have at it. If you only want your child to wear purple with yellow polka dots--What the f*ck ever.

Seriously. Everything everyone will tell you will either help or not help, so just do what works for you and screw everyone and everything else. If it works for you, don't doubt yourself...just DO IT and say to those with the unsolicited advice, "Thanks for the great advice! I'll have to try that!" while inside you are really rolling your eyes and thinking, "F*CK YOU and your stupid f*cking 'advice'!!!!"

The End.

:) Barbnocity

PS--Oh, did I mention Gwen just peed on the freaking potty again? Thank the Lord!!!